Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
A bitchslap is in order.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
