Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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