Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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