Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
