it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
