He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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