I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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