I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
