I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
