Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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