He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
