I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
