Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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