My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
