You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
