You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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