I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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