in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
