I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
