I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
