i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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