I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
