If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Too much gin, very little bucket
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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