My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
