I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
