you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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