her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
