i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
