So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
