maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
