dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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