when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
