I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
