I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
