my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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