peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
