Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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