If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
