Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
