If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
