Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
