I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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