Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize