fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
