I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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