I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
