Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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