My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
