I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
