i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
worst night to have a conscience
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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