I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
