i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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