Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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