i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You ruined the universe
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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