Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
