Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
