Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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