So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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